DEALING WITH RESENTMENT: SOME USEFUL TIPS

We all have anger moments. Some have anger issues. Its not unheard of to hear of people attending anger management classes. Human relation will continue to be an ever dynamic and complex subject. The reason for that may not be far fetched. we see things differently. We are inspired by different things. Our background differs. Here are some useful tips from ken wart:

1: Talk Yourself out of being offended

In the heat of the moment, try asking yourself these questions:
“What am I getting so bent out of shape for? Does this really matter? What’s the big deal?” Reason with yourself: “Did he really mean it the way I perceived it? ‘’what is he really trying to say?”
Tell yourself the person who is the potential offender has as much right to his opinion as you do to yours. Besides, they’re only words. What can words do? They certainly can’t break your bones! Remember, the reason we usually feel offended is because of the meaning we attach to what is said or done: “That means he really doesn’t care!” “She’s saying I am no good!” “I knew he didn’t really love me!” “She wouldn’t say that if she was …” And so the internal interpretation goes. So simply reframe it. Talk yourself out of the offense by telling yourself: “This person is simply expressing his opinion, and listen to how interesting it is! I find it so fascinating that someone can have such opinions that are almost the exact opposite of mine!” You will be happier as you learn to talk yourself out of offence.

2: Put yourself in the “Offender’s” Shoes

This will have the added benefit of being less offensive to others, as you learn to be “too noble to give offense.” In any event, if you can slide your feet into their shoes for a minute, you can learn to see things from the offender’s perspective. And then, just maybe, you will see that you too played a role in the drama. And perhaps you will also come to see that the offender had no such intentions of offending.

3: Assume a benevolent Motive
Unless proven otherwise, assume the person in question has noble intent. Maybe the language was clumsy, maybe even ill-advised, but assume a good heart. That should take the sting out of the bite and put some happiness back in your day. So don’t hold on to the words people use to get at the thing they are trying to express. Hear the idea and ignore the clumsiness of the expression.

4: Practice Detachment
Many people are easily offended because they can’t emotionally differentiate between their thoughts and their inner sense of self. When identities are too closely tied to one’s opinions, and those opinions are then disagreed with, many feel like they, themselves, have been rejected, the core of who they are have been shoved away, pushed to a corner and crushed. This, of course, hurts, but is highly inaccurate. To overcome hypersensitivity, realize that your opinions are not you. And certainly, any given opinion or set of opinions are not the whole of who you are. To the degree you can detach your ideas from your identity, you will live a happy, fulfilling life with little opportunity to feel offended.

5: Love Truth more than being right
If the truth, whoever possesses it, is more valued than the perception that you are the one who knew it first, then opposition to your thoughts and beliefs will be inoffensive no matter how offensive the other person is trying to be. You are not emotionally attached to your position. You only hunger after truth. So opposition to your point of view offers no grounds for offense. You simply want to know the truth, even if you are never the place it originates.

7: Overcome Self-Centeredness, Separate out what is specific to you
The it’s-All-About-Me mentality is fertile soil for being frequently offended. Every word out of every mouth, every action or inaction, all that is done or undone, all motives and intentions become a reflection on you. That is a HUGE burden to carry. If everything is reduced to how it affects you, if you reside at the center of everything, no wonder you are so frequently offended! Move away from the center of everyone else’s life. You likely aren’t really there anyway. Nor should you be, in most cases. Allow most of life to be indifferent to you. My bad mood isn’t about you. Your mom’s neglect isn’t even about you either. It’s about her! [/b]This way, less in life will offend you and happiness will be much less fleeting too. Besides, they’re entitled to their opinion. So let them have it.

8: Reserve Judgment, don’t be quick to conclude. Delay your response

Let the talk continue to its natural end. So often we jump to conclusions, assume an ill intent, create meaning to a word that then hurts and offends. Resist that urge and delay judgment until the conversation has run its course. You just may find there is no offense to be had by the time you get to the end.

9: Accept Imperfection

If you expect others to act and speak a certain way, or assume others will be as kind or compassionate as you, if you’re offended when they don’t rise to the level of your expectation, you will almost always be offended or on the verge of it. Instead, allow people to be human. They are, after all. We all have foibles, idiosyncrasies and personality and character flaws. So do you! Yours just may be different than theirs. So just let it be, shrug and let it slide off your back. Don’t hold on to the imperfections of others so tightly that you strangle yourself in the process! Release! Let go! Breathe. Relax.

Part of accepting others’ imperfections is also learning to forgive them their past mistakes (so the current problem isn’t blown out of proportion as an extension of a previous problem unresolved) Remember, people are imperfect. You are imperfect. Life is imperfect. When you can accept their imperfection (and your own!), you will be well on your way to a life of more emotional stability and happiness.

10: Accept Yourself, Learn, grow and improve.

Accept yourself deep inside. Validate your inner being. See yourself as more than your behavior. You are also your potential. You are of God, after all. None of us live up to expectations. But accept that too, not as an excuse to stop the moral climb, but as an understanding that where you are is fine for now, at this moment. Move from there, but right now, here, you are complete. This self-acceptance will de-claw others’ ability to offend you. It won’t hurt because your validation doesn’t come from their opinions about you. It comes from within … or from above. People who are internally fragile – no matter how “tough” their exterior – break most easily at the wrong or misplaced word or deed. So grow your inner self. Become self-accepting. And life will be a more consistently happy place to live.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT ON BOKO HARAM

I saw this and i found it share worthy..

10 Perplexing Questions on Boko Haram.


1. Who is feeding the over 250 girls kidnapped by Boko Haram?

2. Who did the contract for the supply of over 100 Hijabs that the kidnapped girls were wearing?

3. How is Boko Haram feeding its hundreds of fighters?

4. Where is Boko Haram getting the supply of the arms they use to kill people?

5. Who is fueling the over 50 vehicles Boko Haram use in conducting their attacks?

6. Who is providing Boko Haram with internet to upload videos of over 30 minutes on YouTube?

7. How does Boko Haram manage to travel in a convoy of over fifty vehicles and motorcycles in a state that is under "state of emergency" without being noticed?

8. Why does the foreign media know more about Boko Haram than our government and local media?

9. If Boko Haram is a Northern or Muslim agenda to make Nigeria ungovernable for Jonathan, why are they killing Islamic scholars and threatening to kill prominent Northern politicians?

10. If Boko Haram truly want people to join Islam, why are they killing the Muslims?

There is more to Bring Back

The past one month has been pretty much historic. We have heard about disasters (Natural and or Artificial) resulting in the death of citizens in hundreds. Kidnapping of about 300 girls is however novel. I must confess my initial reservations about the veracity of the news when it first made headlines. Such sheer incredibility

You have to pardon my humble self, Osita Iheme, Patience Jonathan, Asari Dokubo, Charles Novia and perhaps a few others with misgivings. If i watched a film and one of the scenes suggest the kidnapping of 300girls in a secondary school in the story line, i would simply shrug it off as unobtainable. So, imagine my thoughts when it was reported in main stream media.

While i have moved on to believe the kidnap incident and joined the campaign to #bringbackourgirls, i must quickly express dissimilarities that lies in the seeming convergence of opinion held by myself and Patience Jonathan.

Before now,i have held the view that we have a poor security and intelligence gathering system. The Chibok incident suggests a nonexistent one. For Patience and Dokubo, it is an attempt by APC to discredit the Goodluck Jonathan administration.

Someone wrote about this leadership;

Blame Opposition
Blame Muslims
Blame the northerners
Blame the parents
Blame the journalists that didn't support government propaganda
Blame Buhari
Blame the school principal
Blame the state Governor
BLAME CNN / Isha Sesay

Blame everyone except the people that control the resources and were elected to resolve issues like this. Yes, I am talking about the FG

The words could not have been truer. Except that it would sound foolish, Doyin Okupe and Labaran Maku would have accused APC leadership of bribing Hilary Clinton and John Maccain to hurl uncomplimentary remarks about the 'transformation government'

While President Jonathan MAY NOT have masterminded the kidnapping of the girls, his body language is uninspiring, insensitive and regrettable. His army of image makers must be having a hard time defending his actions. More like inaction.

The chibok incident remains a disaster. An avoidable one. Yet it has thrown some positives. The world stood as one in defiance of racism and other dividing factors to support Nigerians in this trying time. It is trying not just because our girls are in danger for over a month but because we have a government that is not 'all that interested' in the kidnap incident. It is either there are no missing girls or there is an exaggeration. Remember there is a difference between corruption and mere theft.

A cerebral journalist wrote: Somewhere between being unwilling and being incapable, we know the Nigerian Government / military / authorities will not bring back our girls. There are those within the government who either do not believe the abductions took place, or who believe it was staged by the enemies of the President and his government to cause embarrassment on the eve of the World Economic Forum. Watch Jonathan’s body language and see clearly a man who thinks there’s some mischievous and malevolent force at work, seeking to embarrass him in front of the world. We need to understand the man we elected to rule us. This for him is not really about missing girls; it’s about people out to undermine his government. Every incident, every criticism, is linked to an opposition that wants to bring the government down. This is a President who has said it again and again that #OccupyNigeria only happened because people in Lagos were paid and fed to protest against him. He genuinely believes it, and seems to believe the same about everything else: From the unaccounted-for billions of dollars in oil funds to the missing girls – these are all grand conspiracies against his government. Is that the man you expect to bring back our girls?

Another concerned Nigerian opined as thus:The President is nearing the end of his first term but there are still questions as to if we have a functional security system. What did he spend his first term tackling? In other countries, when officials can’t tackle emergencies such as this as quickly as possible, they resign. If our President will not resign, can he please do us the favour of not running for second term?

Our corrupt leaders are thriving on our political apathy to alter election outcomes. I suspect this will not be the same again.
There is an unprecedented level of political consciousness cutting across all Nigerians. We must keep the tempo. No longer shall we be swayed by 'stories that touch'. A lot of people did not have shoes growing up.

I do hope the Nigerian government is not joining the campaign to bring back our girls because our tweets and post is directed at them.

The president, commander in chief of the Nigerian armed forces, has cancelled his planned visit to Chibok. Obviously, out of security concerns. Mr Abati can tweet all he wants, we know he is only doing his job. One that requires a dead conscience.

As we relentlessly press home our non negotiable demand for this government to take responsibility, for once, let it be known that we have a lot to bring back.

I can only ask God for forgiveness on behalf of myself and Nigerians for thinking Yaradua's leadership was bad. Now, we know better. We called him a sick man. But aren't we all inherently sick people except for those who enjoy God's grace to appear healthy? Yaradua reduced fuel price, twice. Another President told us of how the country will collapse if subsidy subsisted.

We must bring back sanity to the land. At the moment we are a miserable joke. After the expiration of this administration by May 29, Nigeria will be in dire need of re-branding.

We must bring back rule of law

We must 'rebase' mere theft of money as corruption.

We must bring back the missing billions of dollars

we must bring back respect to Nigeria

for now, let them #bringbackourgirls!